Hilarious Chess Jokes You Should Read Right Now

Let's face it. As chess players, we don't have the best rep regarding social skills. No one has ever said, "You know what this party needs? More chess players!"

I get it. There's a certain stereotype attached to people like us. On the bright side, people do think that everyone who plays chess is a genius (I never let them know that this is not true in my case). But do you know what? We can be fun too! Just look at our beloved "chess entertainers," GM Hikaru Nakamura and IM Danny Rensch. They can certainly get behind a good joke!

In a quest to prove to the world that chess players are fun, I've compiled a list of hilarious chess jokes that you can tell the next time you're hanging out with your friends. Which one is your favorite?

Chess Heaven

A chess master died—after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was the master!

"What's it like where you are now?" the friend asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time. Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "and what's the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."

Machines Don't Lie

"I've created a chess program that mimics human play," said a computer science major. "So it plays more natural moves?" asks the advising professor. "No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!"

FM Mike Klein's Anecdote

Here is ChessKid CCO FM Mike Klein's contribution:

"I was in New York City visiting a friend many years ago and went out for coffee one morning. At 8 a.m. on the corner of Amsterdam and 72nd Street, I saw Bruce Pandolfini waiting for a bus. I had never met him before, but I certainly knew his face, and he knew mine.

"We both gave each other a solemn head nod as we went about our way. The next morning at exactly 8 a.m., I was back on Amsterdam and 72nd getting coffee, and lo and behold, I saw Bruce about to catch the bus again. This time it was clear someone had to say something. Bruce walked up to me, and said, 'You know, if we see each other tomorrow, it will be a draw by repetition.'"

Next Time, Play On Chess.com!

Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the South Pole, while Black lives at the North Pole. The postal service is slow, and play proceeds at the rate of one move per year.

After 15 years of play, White makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are by no means clear.

A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is very excited. He feels his heart start racing, as many questions cross his mind: "Will Black take my queen? Is the sacrifice sound?"

He opens up the envelope with the reply and reads:

"J'adoube."

The Right Choice

A guy comes across an old friend sitting alone at a restaurant table and lost in thought. After a few minutes of talking, his friend said, "My girlfriend told me that if I take part in this chess tournament, then that's the last straw—she's leaving."

Concerned, the guy asked, "So what are you gonna do?"

"Well, 1.e4, of course!"

Dining With A Champion

Two friends were having a conversation:

"So, last night I had Kasparov over for dinner."

"Cool! And how was it?"

"It was nice and all, but we had to eat a cold meal."

"Why is that?"

"We had a checkered tablecloth, and it took him one hour just to pass me the salt."

Not As Good As One Might Think

A girl comes across a guy playing chess against a dog. She's very impressed with what she sees and says:

"What a clever dog!"

To which the man responds:

"No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading three games to one!"

What About Those Dad Jokes?

Q: Where do chess players go to chill?
A: To a pawn island

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Q: Where do chess players like to go to look for a bargain?
A: The pawnshop.

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Q: Why do grandmasters use Tinder in Prague?
A: Because they want to find a Czech mate.

Q: Why are artists so bad at chess?
A: Because they like to draw.

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Q: What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the start of a chess game?
A: I'll be Black.

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Q: Why do chess masters always get a match on Tinder?
A: Because they're mating experts.

A New Christmas Song, Maybe?

A group of chess players checked into a hotel and stood in the lobby as they talked about their tournament victories. Suddenly the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Tell Us Your Best Chess Jokes

Ok, I admit it! Maybe these jokes only work with other chess players. But at least I've given you something to use the next time you talk to your chess club friends or with your buddies here on Chess.com.

Do you have a good chess joke to share with us? Tell it in the comments section below.