The 10 Best Reasons To Lose At Chess

Do you lose at chess?

If you said "no," then let's be honest, you're lying to me and to yourself and need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

If you said "yes," then you're in the right place. My name is Lula, and I'm a professional at losing at chess, which puts me in an excellent position to tell you the BEST reasons to lose a chess game...

• It's Character-Building
• I Was Bribed
• The Swiss Gambit
• My Mom Said Dinner Was Ready
• I Found Out Girls Prefer Musicians
• ChatGPT Gave Me The Wrong Move
• Practicing Intuition
• I Realized Winning Will Never Be Enough
• Conclusion

It’s Character-Building

Yeah, that’s right, I’m here to LEARN. Chess is all about the brain, the mind, becoming one with the pieces. It’s cerebral, it’s intellectual, just like me. You, a caveman who simply tries to checkmate in every game, could never understand. I am a student of the world, a refined stalemate enjoyer. I am above a simple “checkmate.” 

I Was Bribed

My opponent said they would gift me a Chess.com Diamond Membership if I threw the game. I had a moral dilemma on my hands: violate my integrity... so I can change the flair by my username to a pumpkin and get unlimited insights? ABSOLUTELY. 

Everyone has a price, and mine is the sweet, sweet sound of Game Review's coach Danny telling me I found a brilliancy.

The Swiss Gambit

Every tournament player knows that if you lose round one of the over-the-board event, you get easier pairings. Win the first game and face titled players for the rest of the event? No way. It’s lose now or lose later, and I’d rather rip the band-aid off and make my life easier for the rest of the tournament.

You see, I have tactics both on and off the board. I’m metagaming on a level you couldn’t conceive of.

My Mom Said Dinner Was Ready

My mom yelled that my food was getting cold, and asked again, “Can’t you just pause your game?” I know from years of experience that unlike a chess game, this was a battle I could never win. I offered my opponent a draw, explaining that I had a life-or-death matter at hand. They declined and said "resign n00b" in game chat. A single tear trickled down my cheek.

I begged, I pleaded with my mother, explaining that I was up three pawns. THREE PAWNS IS BASICALLY A PIECE! She just shook her head. I cursed to the heavens and tried to explain to her for the hundredth time that it was an online game, and that adjournments were no longer allowed in chess, but she just said that my internet friends aren’t real.

I accepted my fate. It was either resign or miss lasagne night, so call me Garfield, I guess. 

I Found Out Girls Prefer Musicians

I started playing chess after watching The Queen’s Gambit and thought it might help me to find a relationship. So far, the only relationship I’ve developed is the toxic one between me and my blitz rating.

My friend Steve said that learning four chords on his guitar was way more successful than learning four chess openings in terms of dating, and way less effort too. When I found out, I resigned my chess game and bought a lute.

ChatGPT Gave Me The Wrong Move

Ok, I admit, I was doing a social experiment. I was trying to see if ChatGPT could play chess yet, but it kept giving me weird instructions like “Queen to b35” and “elephant to KB-4”. What could KB-4 even mean? My elephant could only go to f4 or f5. 

So you see, I had to double as an interpreter, and it turns out that language models aren’t chess champions. Technically, it wasn’t actually me who lost, it was the computer. I never lose.

Practicing Intuition

My coach told me I just needed to "let the position speak to me" to find the best moves. Well, my pawns spoke to me and said they WANTED to be sacrificed. They said it was “a way cooler fate than being tripled isolated pawns.” If I had known that, I never would have tripled and isolated them in the first place. I'm still working on intuiting which moves are blunders and which are brilliancies. 

Let the position speak to you.

—A Chess Coach who talks to carved pieces and a board

What do you mean your chess pieces don’t speak to you? I guess you’re just not at my level.

I Realized Winning Will Never Be Enough

Ever since my first checkmate, I've been chasing that same feeling of victory. But since then, I found the Game Review button and discovered that my wins are mired with blunders, mistakes, and inaccuracies. 

As a perfectionist, winning isn't good enough. I am chasing the perfect game. I hung a pawn? Well then, I may as well resign. Coach Danny will tell me I have lower than 100 percent accuracy, and if it's not perfect then I don't want it at all. 

Conclusion

Now, I know what you're thinking... "But Lula, some of these are totally unrealistic. A lute will never help your dating life." And this is true, I found out far too late that the "musician" trick only applies for guitar, drums, and bass players. But in terms of actual excuses for losing at chess, I don't think you'll find better.

So here you are, a foolproof guide... now, go lose a chess game.

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