Questioning Non-Chess Players About Chess (4.0)
Hello there, welcome to the Lightning Reports! Ask and you will receive... I've had a surprising number of people persistently reminding me that I owe y'all another Questioning Non-Chess Players About Chess blog. Basically I asked 3 people (with the help of my sister, because unlike me, she knows people) to answer 21 chess-related questions. I've never really talked to any of these 3 people, I don't know them. All I know is that they're highschoolers who very likely know nothing about chess. So their answers here should be somewhat amusing. I started this little series in January 2022 with the original Questioning Non-Chess Players About Chess blog. Somehow, that is my second most-viewed blog, and there has been enough interest in this series for me to keep doing this, sooo today I bring you... Questioning Non-Chess Players About Chess (4.0). Enjoy!
INTRODUCING THE NCPS
Me: "If you want to remain anonymous, please say so below. Otherwise, enter a name, whether it be yours or not."
NCP 1: "I’m ur mom"
(Um yeah no, If you were, I would not have made it this far in life.)
NCP 2: "CATER TATER"
(Uh. HI CATER TATER I'M LIGHTNING)
NCP 3: "Nina"
(Congrats, you have the most normal name! Quite an accomplishment. You should be proud.)
QUESTION ONE
Me: "How did you first come to know the existence of chess?"
I'm ur mom: "Daddy"
(Alrighty then)
CATER TATER: "I found an ancient chess board in a hidden chamber of the Great Pyramid of Giza and the ghosts of the pharaohs taught me how to play."
(Yeah ok, I'll believe that. Cool story bro.)
Nina: "My parents"
(Nice, nice, good for you.)
QUESTION TWO
Me: "Have you ever even played chess before?"
I'm ur mom: "Yes"
(Excellent. As you should.)
CATER TATER: "Indeed"
(Fantastic. As you should.)
Nina: "yeah"
(Wow these people are cool, they've all played chess before.
QUESTION THREE
Me: "Why don't you play chess?"
I'm ur mom: "It requires brain power"
(Maybe you should try 10 second chess - that doesn't require brain power at all!)
CATER TATER: "'m afraid of ghosts, and every time I try to play chess I feel like the pharaohs from the Great Pyramid of Giza are watching me."
(I... is this a joke or not? Should I be concerned? Dude, get help.)
Nina: "i suck at it and like i dont got time for it"
(Honestly that's pretty fair lol)
QUESTION FOUR
Me: "What do you think about chess in general?"
I'm ur mom: "It’s cool, I prefer checkers though"
(That's too far, man. Too. Far. Checkers.... preferable to chess? Nah he's gotta be joking. Gotta be...)
CATER TATER: "Very interesting game"
(Ayyy very interesting answer)
Nina: "its kinda boring but fun"
(This sounds like an answer that doesn't make much sense.... but I mean, she's not wrong. As fun as chess can be, we've all played boring games before, I'm sure. Basically anyone who has faced the London System knows what it's like to play a boring game of chess lol)
QUESTION FIVE
Me: "Do you think chess is just some old game for nerds?"
I'm ur mom: "100%"
(..... no comment)
CATER TATER: "No only for ghosts"
(Oh shoot, have we chess players been playing a game only meant for ghosts this whole time...? Whoops.)
Nina: "no"
(Such a short, simple answer, but it's the best one. The first answer here suggests we are nerds. The second answer here suggests only ghosts should play chess. But this "no" is fantastic - we aren't nerds. Woohoo. Yay. That's great. That's amazing. Anyway, next question.)
QUESTION SIX
Me: "Do you think people who play chess have a higher IQ?"
I'm ur mom: "Depends, but maybe"
(Wait what does it depend on...? 👀)
CATER TATER: "Probably"
(Hmm ok.)
Nina: "no"
(Dang. Nice.)
QUESTION SEVEN
Me: "Do you think chess is an esport, sport, both, or none of these things?"
I'm ur mom: "None"
CATER TATER: "None of those things"
Nina: "none"
(Dang that's unfortunate. I'll have to disagree here... now, is chess an actual sport? That's extremely debatable and I'm not really sure where I stand on that. But is chess an esport? I'm going with yes on that one lol)
QUESTION EIGHT
Me: "What well-known chess players can you name?"
I'm ur mom: "Isaac Snow"
(No. But thanks?)
CATER TATER: "Bob the minion"
(Oh wow, you know Bob the minion? Bro that's super cool. I would love to play chess with Bob the minion, he's a very strong chess player...)
Nina: "isaac snow"
(Again.... no. But thanks? Lol)
QUESTION NINE
Me: "What would it take for you to learn how to properly play chess?"
I'm ur mom: "$1,000,000 plus tax"
(This kid is smart. Demand money to get good at chess, rather than pay money to get good at chess. Wow. I should have tried that.)
CATER TATER: "Revisiting the pyramid"
(Hey that sounds doable. Go ahead, revisit the pyramid, and I'll give you a chess lesson.)
Nina: "time and like bribery"
(Time and bribery? How about this - if you agree to learn how to properly chess, I will give you time to do so. Does that work?)
QUESTION TEN
Me: "What is your favorite chess piece and why?"
I'm ur mom: "Queen, because she’s powerful"
(Yeah that's fair lol)
CATER TATER: "The bishop is my favorite piece because it looks like it's wearing a fancy hat. I like to imagine it's secretly a stylish little bird hiding inside."
(What the heck.... yeah ok fine, nice answer 🤣🤣🤣)
Nina: "the queen bc she can do anything except be as amazing as me"
(The confidence from this one is strong. Good for you. I'm glad Nina can confidently say that the queen can't be as amazing as her. But me over here, nah, I'm still wondering why I can't be as amazing as a queen on the chess board.)
QUESTION ELEVEN
Me: "What are your thoughts about chess streaming, YouTubing, blogging, and any other form of chess content there is?"
I'm ur mom: "It’s entertaining for some groups"
(Pretty accurate answer.)
CATER TATER: "Funsies"
(Sure... we can go with that.)
Nina: "idk"
(Bleh ok lol)
QUESTION TWELVE
Me: "Viewer Question from @lukegk: How much money do you think that somebody could make off chess?
I'm ur mom: "$7,073,638,967,646,957,423"
(Ok, you got me, I was too lazy to read that number.)
CATER TATER: "Lots"
(Hm nice)
Nina: "a lot of money like maybe 5,000 dollars or more"
(As someone who has definitely made more than $5,000 from chess, Nina is technically correct here lol)
QUESTION THIRTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @ricorat: How do you view people who play chess?"
I'm ur mom: "They have a good point of strategy"
(You're dang right we do.)
CATER TATER: "I don't"
(Oh. Sadness.)
Nina: "i don't know bc i don't know people who play chess"
(Uh. Did my little sister, who you are friends with, never tell you she played chess? She doesn't play much anymore... but like, she has a chess.com account. Heck, she has a USCF membership. Lol)
QUESTION FOURTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @ricechessmaster1: If you were to start playing chess today, how long do you think it would take you to become a chess master?"
I'm ur mom: "3-5 business days"
(Lucky you.)
CATER TATER: "24 minutes"
(Geez these kids must be super talented or something.)
Nina: "5 years"
(Heck, even 5 years is an ambitious answer 😅 took me a solid 8 years to even get the USCF CM title, and after 10 years that's still all I have lol)
QUESTION FIFTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @assassin3572: How do you view cheating in chess?
I'm ur mom: "ILLEGAL"
(... GOOD ANSWER)
CATER TATER: "Fireeeeeeee"
(Fireeeee 🔥🔥🔥 wait what, what do you mean fire? @fire, explain.)
Nina: "not good but like if u arent cheating ur not trying"
(Oh geez, that's the second time an NCP answered with "if u arent cheating ur not trying." Any OGs out there remember Grant from the first Questioning NCPs blog? 🤣)
QUESTION SIXTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @colorfulcake: If you got to name a new chess opening you invented, what would it be called?"
I'm ur mom: "The cool chess people(s)"
(Wow. Imagine telling all your chess friends that you play "The cool chess people(s)" opening. That sounds great. Let's make this a thing.)
CATER TATER: "Wallet"
(Ah, yes. The Wallet Opening. Why isn't that a thing?)
Nina: "what is that"
(This is my favorite one so far. The "what is that" opening. I would love to tell people that I became a high-level chess player by playing the "what is that" opening, that actually sounds amazing. Also, the opening is the first part of the game, Nina.)
QUESTION SEVENTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @DonRajesh: Would you have added chess in the Olympics?"
I'm ur mom: "No"
(Oof)
CATER TATER: "If chess were added to the Olympics, they should make it a team sport, and each team would have to dress up in ridiculous costumes like superheroes or giant penguins."
(Dude I am so down for this, sign me up. Please.)
Nina: "no"
(Again, oof.)
QUESTION EIGHTEEN
Me: "Viewer Question from @Rodgy: If you had a lesson with the greatest chess player of all time, Magnus Carlsen, how much would you be willing to pay for a one hour session?"
I'm ur mom: "$1.75"
CATER TATER: "100 Pennie’s"
Nina: "$5 bc im broke"
(... how did Nina manage to give the best answer despite being "broke" as she says? Well darn. I'm impressed lol)
QUESTION NINETEEN
Me: "Any interest in playing a game of chess with me? Think you could beat me?"
I'm ur mom: "Yes, and maybe"
(Ok, challenge accepted. We're playing next time you come over....)
CATER TATER: "I definitely could beat you. I challenge you😎"
(Dude I honestly have no clue who you even are, but CHALLENGE ACCEPTED - can we each bring a teammate and all "dress up in ridiculous costumes like superheroes or giant penguins" please?)
Nina: "i might play chess with u but i dont think i will win"
(Lol ok sounds good)
QUESTION TWENTY
Me: "How many views do you think a chess blog, written by a chess player and posted on a chess website, will get?"
I'm ur mom: "7000000000"
(Hmm nice guess, but I don't think any chess blog will ever get that many views...)
CATER TATER: "45"
(You guys, can we please beat 45? Let's do it - at least 45 views within an hour.)
Nina: "maybe like 100 idk"
(Somehow that's the most reasonable answer lol nice)
QUESTION TWENTY-ONE
Me: "Summarize your thoughts about chess in one final statement."
I'm ur mom: "It’s cool"
(Good answer.)
CATER TATER: "THE BEST GAMES ALIENS CREATED"
(Wait wha - yeah ok you're probably right. Chess is so complex that it probably was created by aliens. Good answer.)
Nine: "um fun but boring and time consuming"
(Fair enough lol)
THE "GOOD JOB, YOU MADE IT TO THE END" PART OF THE BLOG
Good job, you made it to the end. I'm impressed! If you read this whole thing, that's awesome. If you skimmed through it, that's cool as well. If you simply skipped the whole thing to go comment, I congratulate you, because that takes even more effort for sure. You must be so proud of yourself if you skip the blog, comment "first" or something like that, and then carry on with your day. I wish I could do that someday.
Hey, if you liked this post, you should check out part 1, part 2, and part 3. They might be even better than this, honestly. Not sure. Anyway, if you want a part 5 in the future, just let me know. If there's really enough interest then I'll do this again.
Thanks for reading! Truly hope you enjoyed. For anyone who simply likes reading my blogs for reasons beyond my knowledge, my next posts will probably be at the end of April. I was hoping to play otb next weekend but that's not looking likely, so that takes away the next blog I had planned. Oh well, I'll get back to it in about a month I guess. Anyway, thanks again for reading. Cyall in the comments!
