I Felt My Fears And Did It Anyway
I survived!! What an incredible, mind-blowing, and challenging experience this was! Exciting, nerve-wracking, emotional, and totally overwhelming! In short, I just finished playing in the Canadian Open 2022. My first tournament since 2011. In every game, I totally felt like one of those naked towel dancers, who risk being "exposed" with every move, but they still do it! Why? Because they can ... Because I can!
If you plan to read beyond the recap, please read the Prelude first. Otherwise, it may not make much sense.
Recap
I scored 4/9 points and won 136th place! Basically, I lost to everyone who was WAY higher rated than me and I won against everyone who was WAY lower rated than me. Except for the last round, where my worst nightmare came true! There was no middle ground. At all!
Out of 9 of my opponents, 5 (!!) were kids! Can you imagine?! And those kids were SO darn good (applause!) … and cu-ute! I earned ALL my points with sweat and blood (except round 6). Yet, I don't think I necessarily got to shimmer and shine in any of my games ...
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That aside - I made lots of surprising discoveries about myself, both good and bad. I gained some wisdom. It was a true journey of self-exploration.
The good: I showed up! I freaking showed up and played! I discovered that I do have the stamina – physical AND mental (something I questioned earlier). I could sit through each game, for many hours and think, think, think. And I relished it! Devoured every move. I didn’t know I would enjoy playing THAT much!
The bad: Nerves. I barely ate or slept, especially on days with 2 rounds (days 1, 2, and 4). What happened?? Emotional overload? No idea.
I reconnected with friends from 11 and 20 years ago.
Caption: With Liza Orlova-McDonald. One of Canada's top female players (retired now). 2x on Canadian Women's Olympiad Team, 4x National Champion and a best selling author.
I made new friends. I was social when I wanted to be. I was alone when I needed solitude. I followed my own rhythm – totally uninterrupted. A non-existent thing when you are a mom!
To sum it up – this chess “vacation” was everything I was hoping for – minus the "vacation". So, next time I need to relax – I will go to an actual spa!
The Nitty-Gritty Details
NOTE: I won’t share ALL of my games because 1) Nine games is too many! And 2) I don’t want my future opponents preparing against me …
DAY 0
I arrived to the premises a day earlier and checked into my almost luxurious 2-bedroom suite. I stayed here the whole week on my own.
My husband, John, and I began my adventure with a hike. I told you I came here for vacation! We met up with our local Hamilton friends – Alene, John, and Tim, and had a nice hike + Thai dinner. So far so good, but …
Caption: Hiking with Alene, John, and my John. Tim is the photographer 
When the day ended, I kissed my husband goodbye and he left. I fired off my last blog, went to bed, and … the hell broke loose! Nerves. I got all jiggly, my heart started to race and all kinds of thoughts and emotions overpowered me. It was INSANE! What the ... *beep*?? I didn’t sleep that night …
DAY 1
When the sun finally came out, I couldn’t stand my comfy but useless bed any longer. Got up and went for a run, still overwhelmed with all the motions.
ROUND 1 – Learning the ropes
I made it! My opponent was Eduardo Moura (rtg. 2180). “Nice!” I thought. That’s what I want. Higher-rated opponents. As you know, this is my first tournament (and long) game in 11 years. I didn’t know how to pace myself. It was all about figuring that out. Some moves I played too fast; others, too slow. I lost the game but it wasn’t about chess for me. It was about navigation.
ROUND 2 – I’m recognizable!
My opponent was a young kid, Sean Liu, rated 1208. The first thing he told me when I got the board was: “is your chesscom username MomOnaBreak?” -Yes, I replied. “I saw your blog,” he said. Whooops! Now he knows how nervous I am! And even more nervous because I’m playing a child! Sean played well. I had to work hard to earn my first point.
Well, today ended well! I didn’t embarrass myself and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
DAY 2
ROUND 3 – Watch that horsey!
My round 3 opponent was Jeffrey Renfei Zhao (rtg. 2023). It was a quiet game until I missed his “brilliant” horsey move. I played e5 (?) as black and white responded with NF5 (!!). Whoops! This loses on the spot.
Caption: Olya (black) vs Jeffrey (white). I played 20. e5 and totally missed black's 22 ...Nf5.
ROUND 4 – It’s a rook vs night affair
Another kid! My round 4 opponent was Raymond Wong, unrated. He was goooood! His 11 …h5 move, though, weakened his position and gave me a target.
But don’t be fooled by an unrated player. Did you know that one of the unrated players in this tournament, Ryan Campbell, just made history with a perfect 5/5 score at one point? Check this out!
After 4.5 hours, I won my 2nd game and was finally “home” by 9:45 pm. What a long day! The moment I collapsed on my bed I got a phone call from my new friend at the tournament: “Olya - I can’t sleep. Wanna play some chess?” You see the kind of people I’m competing against here? LOL … My other friend said he was looking at the YouTube openings while driving to the tournament. Chess and Driving! I can’t compete with these people …
Diary Extract
Just got off the video call with my kids. Usually, daddy gets to video call the kids, when he’s away on business trips. I’m NEVER away. But guess what? Today, mommy is the COOL one!
DAY 3
ROUND 5
My opponent was Leo Lin, rated 2189. I was expecting a teen or an adult, but another kid showed up! He played almost flawlessly and after some resistance, I lost.
It was finally time to relax. There was no afternoon game and I needed a break so badly. Went hiking with the same crew as before, minus my husband, plus Alex. Alex is my new chess buddy from My OTB Chess Adventures (who didn’t make it to that blog). He’s the kind of guy who I play chess with until we get kicked out of all the venues due to night closures.
Caption: Alex, John and Alene.
We did an 11km hike and I slept! I finally slept!
DAY 4
ROUND 6
Before my 6th game, I ran into a (very experienced) chess friend and told him that I couldn't believe how nervous I still felt, especially playing against lower-rated opponents. He said:
Olya – you haven’t played for 10 years? Then you’re not playing against anyone here. You’re playing against yourself.
Hmm, so true! ... I’m going to let the readers digest these words of wisdom on their own ...
My 6th game was against Ivan Chepelev (rtg. 1377). He blundered a bishop early on (aww!) and it was an easy win for me. I went home early, feeling gewd with 3 (not much deserved) points.
Diary Extract
As I lay here in bed, I’m thinking what a strange world this is. No one asked me to slice them a green apple. No one asked me to tell them a story where something BAD happens. No one found my secret stash of chocolates (and ate half). No one jumped on me in my bed early in the morning asking if it was wakey-wakey time. Once I managed, I only fell asleep once per night and in one bed. I consistently woke up every morning in the same bed! No one deliberately attempted to fart in my presence. No one asked me for 10 favours while I brushed my teeth. No one asked me to guess how many times they went poo that day. No one showered me with hugs and kisses … I miss my kids!
ROUND 7
AIE, AIE! Another little kid! Japveer Narula (rtg. 1326). What’s going on? I LOVE kids, but I kind of want some adult time too!
You see – if I win against a child there is NO upside for me. No joy, no increase in rating (if he’s lower-rated), no nothing. But if I lose – EVERYTHING is at stake! My ego, my rating, my whole well-being!
Japveer played well until he decided to exchange his bishop + knight vs my rook + pawn. The exchange favoured me and I materialized it in the endgame.
After this round, I told a tournament organizer, jokingly: “You gotta stop pairing me up with the kids. They’re too good.” We laughed and he said, “I’ll see what I can do.” Of course, there’s not much he can do. It’s the naughty software that produces these pairings with some intricate and complicated algorithm. … But my prayers were answered and I was paired up with a … GM!!
DAY 5
ROUND 8 – My first game with GM. Ever!
Before the round began, I got to meet and chat with ChessbraTV's GM Aman Hambleton. He was sooo nice and humble! The conversation gave me a little chess-rush before facing “my own” GM.
My 8th round opponent was GM Razvan Preotu (rtg. 2608). I played the opening well, but didn’t prepare for his 15 … d5 breakthrough properly, and missed the 17 … Nb3 / 18 … Na5 maneuver. There was no hope after that.
My husband came for a date with me … and stayed. We hiked, had dinner, relaxed … just like it was meant to be …
Caption: final hike in Hamilton, ON
DAY 6
ROUND 9 - My worst fears come true
By this point, I had 4/8 score and I’ve finally calmed down. I thought I did well and whatever happens in this round – I’ll be ok with it. And then I saw him!
AIE, AIE! A little Chinese boy. The smallest and youngest of all of “my” kids (I played) here. He was just 8 years old, named Ryan Xu, rated 1575(!). Huh?
His mom told me they had recently come to Canada and he had just won the Canadian Championship Under 8. And Ryan plays a ton of chess! Basically, a child prodigy.
And me? Oh, I just cook and clean …
So here is my one and only embarrassing game. A game full of blunders …
I think this game was supposed to teach me a valuable lesson: Stop freaking out when playing lower-rated and/or much younger opponents! To my biggest surprise - I did NOT feel embarrassed losing! I did not feel anything. I got over the hump, people! And for me, this is huge! No more fears left. No more – “what would people think of me?” … I simply don’t care. I’m moving on and will compete again!
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I didn’t linger around once the tournament ended. Headed straight back home. The moment I walked home and hugged my children, this whole experience became just a distant memory. A dream that perhaps never happened. I instantly jumped back into my “mommy pants” and the bossing around had resumed …
Conclusion
I love my life. But this experience made me fall in love with it all over again!
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Special Thanks
I’d like to thank everyone who made this wonderful trip possible:
1) My amazing(!) mom – thank you so much for taking such great care of my kids!
2) John (my husband) – thank you so much for all the support and help with logistics. And, yey(!), you tackled the bedtime!
3) My girls – for all the good wishes and for trying to be on their “best” behaviour.
4) Alene and John – for all the hikes and dinners and for being there in case I needed anything.
5) The tournament organizers – they ran this so smoothly and on time. A job well done!
6) All of you readers – who reached out wishing me well, even though I hinted at the “forbidness” of all communication. Your messages made me smile. And all of you readers who wanted to reach out but didn’t, giving me “space” …
7) *UPDATE* Special thanks for Eric for writing me a song based on this blog! HAHAHA
