Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

Invent the worst/most useless chess piece ever! I start; For example: the retarded pawn - it moves back every time you move your b1 knight.

The butler - it moves one square at a time diagonally and can only capture the enemy king. xP

the derp kills only your pieces and is immortal

I was gonna post it but called mine the lame-o and wasn't limited to just capturing the king. 

Also there's a gambit called the retarded pawn gambit:

The hammer time. piece can move side to side in one turn. cannot be touched.

the pewn - it eats one of your own pieces per turn every time you dont move it

The Death Chamber--it takes up 5 spaces at once and replaces the Queen, same colored bishop, and the d,e, and f pawns. The Death Chamber can move diagonally one space and can only capture if a piece is on the top left or right corner. Pieces in any other position tha the top left or right corner cause block the Death Chamber from moving (like blocking a pawn by putting in front).

see poorly drawn picture below

In other words, it can't move, trapping the king forever unless it's captured.

the guest - this piece moves randomly around the board, disturbing the game. It can't be eaten but it eats the pieces that stay in the square where it goes - if there's your king, then u lose. Horrible

The enprise, it hangs your pieces

The sexy pawn - it distracts your pieces and you lose control of them, and your ELO gets decreased.

the-01101010001

this piece just stays in h6 and watches. It has a ''hidden power'': his face changes to 'happy' when you move your king. 

the-ckastler it looks like a rook and it castles and protects your queen.

Most useless piece ever?!

You mean more useless than black's LSB in the French????

yeah

lol

The drunkard - he moves one square in any random direction (determined by a roll of a die), capturing whatever is in his way, everytime a person moves.

the-friendly-cow - basically occupiyng the left side of the board... it moves itself 1 square forward every 3 turns. White has no pieces in the left side - there is a cow instead... and cow and forces to black to develope his left side before being crushed by it's unstoppable advancement.

The beeched whale. starts the game on the e4/5 squares. because it's out of the sea it suffocates under it's own weight and dies before the first move is made.