Invent the new worst/most useless chess piece ever!

Hi

The detective. Must find out, after the game, who mated the King. Pretty useless during the game.

The Bollard. It looks a bit like a pawn and is placed somewhere on the board at the start, and simply stays there. It never moves, it can't be taken, it just sits there.

(There is also a variant, the Fire Hydrant, which is like a Bollard but yellow, and has a built in water-supply. It can't be used in Computer Chess because only Humans can recognise it)

The Wet Poop - it just sits on the board and immobilizes any piece that lands on it. Ever 3 moves, it expands to occupy on additional adjacent square on the board.

The sad suicidal: it is a piece that simply, at the beginning of the game, runs towards the edge of the chessboard and jumps off of it, despite the color, whose turn it is, etc.

the brick. piece placed randomly on any piece every 3 turns, if placed on top, they die in 2 turns from suffocation, kings are not safe

The Stinky Poop - acts just like the poop, but it can slow pieces on adjacent squares as well

The King’s Wit: a piece that begins on one of the four center squares (it doesn’t matter which). The King’s Wit is controlled by a third player, and has only one purpose, which is to randomly insult one of the pieces in a one square radius of it. Whichever piece (belonging to either player) is insulted by the King’s Wit loses its confidence, and cannot move for a turn. The King’s Wit moves one space in any direction—but only when there are no other pieces in any of the eight blocks surrounding it. Once every four moves, the King’s Wit vanishes from the board, reappearing after a random number of moves, in a new position. The King’s Wit cannot take or be taken, but it can block check and checkmate, if it feels so inclined. If the King’s Wit insults a king more than three times within six moves, the king in question becomes despondent and does not allow any of his pieces to move for one turn. If agreed upon by both players, the King’s Wit can be assassinated, but only by two knights—one from each side, working together. Once the two players agree to attempt assassinating the King’s Wit, that is their only objective, and the game cannot end through checkmate, resignation, etc. Players attempting to assassinate the King’s Wit can use pieces other than their two chosen knights to push the King’s Wit around and block its escape, but can only directly attack the King’s Wit with the knights. The King’s Wit is unable to vanish from the board whilst an assassination is being attempted.

To make things even better, if the game exceeds 100 moves, then the third player controlling the King’s Wit can declare “Hoid,” making the King’s Wit able to move only every other turn, but also able to insult two pieces in one turn. If the King’s Wit has been declared as “Hoid,” then he becomes immortal and vanishes from the board just before being assassinated.

Anyone get the reference?

bad

Addition that got cut off:

If the game exceeds 100 moves, the third player controlling the King’s Wit can declare “Hoid,” making the King’s Wit only able to move every other turn and also able to insult two pieces at once. The Hoid King’s Wit is immortal and vanishes from the board just before the assassins reach him.

Didn’t realize I’d hit the character limit with the last message 😂 Anybody get the reference?

Your name? Lol

The hard poop - acts just like a poop, but if another piece lands on its square it gets "kicked" to an adjacent square.