create the most stupid chess pieces!

The balcony: moves like a Wazir(rook but only one square), but cannot capture, check, or be captured by any piece other than the king. Any ally piece can step on it. Ally pieces that step on it are immune to being captured, but enemy pieces cannot move onto the balcony at all. Btw ally pieces can land on the balcony, but not move through it. Also there’s a white balcony and a black one(obviously)

The brick. It does nothing.

hey, I saw this on the original creating pieces. Did you make that rock too? if so that's fine

the unknown piece 

f̴̙͎̘̙̯̩͙̯̉̇͆̇̔̀͒̀͒̒̀̔̑̈͝j̵̝̭̟͛͋̇̾̒̓̆̆̀̍͑̓́͘̚à̵̧̨̧̭̻͔̳̘̣̖̰̂͑́̇͆̐ͅs̵̢̪̫͙͙̮̰͓͔̍̈́̈̽́͊̊͛̽͑̉̆̚d̵̛͍̬̻̟̻̻̖̤̼͐̉̍ķ̸̡̝̦͎̜̖̫͍̠̼̉̽ͅl̵̡͓̞̳̖̟͛̆̏̈́̃f̷̛̼̯͓̑̍̑͋͂̔͛̈́̔̕͝͠j̸̹͔̹̊͒̾k̶͎̝͖̓̂̌̽́s̷̨̨͚̳̼̰̼̗̺̺̓͐́̈͋͜͝͝
̷̹̰͚͉͕̫̑͛͜l̷͓̉̈͋̐͠ͅd̸̛͎̖̞͍͕̰̝͕̳͇̪̠̩̭͍̽̽̔̋̂͆̄j̷̟̉͑̿͗͛̀̍̉̂͊͘̕͜͠f̴̥͈͑̄̑̊̐̏̈́̇̄͂̿͊͌͘;̸̛̪͎̜͚̘́̆l̷̫͇̙͇͚̔̉͘͜ș̶͔͓̬̺͓̼͈͓̈͛̀̍̍̕̚͝d̸̫͇̜̮̺́͂͑̑͜͠l̴̢̼̤̮͔̝̬̻̺͔͉̘̓̽͌̿̀̔̇̕͠͝k̷̡͙̑̌̿f̸̹̣͇̫̿͛͌̊͗͊̄̄̾͘͝j̸̠̮̽̅̏͒̔͐̐́͆̆͊̚͠͠ͅạ̴̭̜̮̱̀͜l̵̩̜͙̪̱̰̫̲̓͂̏̄͑͘d̷͇̼̫̋͂̽͆͊̾̌̀̃͋͊̕
̶̡̛̛͈͖͎̤̫͔͈̟̇̃͋̉̎̕͝͝j̷̛̛̭̜̦̖͚͚̬͙͉͑̾͜f̶͓̦̯͒͒͐͒̿̍͘͠ļ̸̛̠̳͙͍̥͚̘͇͓̜̦̙̊̽̓̒̉̋͂̉͑a̴̼͓͍̩̺͉̗̩͖͙͇̭͗̀͗̒͋͛͂̇̇̌̇͗̈ŝ̵͓̃̈́̈̍̋̆͌́͘j̸̲̮͇̩͖̺̝̦̙̮̝̱͓͑̓̅͛̉d̷̛͇̒̐̓͗̇͛̇̒͌̃͝l̵̢̖̮̥̱̻͛͋͑͌ͅͅf̸̡̛͉̲̻͓̩͇̗͍̭̜̍̀̇̀̎͂̌̃̄̅͌͂̊͘j̶̡̛̥͇͕̲͗̏̓͝ͅl̸̰̋̂̄̈́̈͝ͅd̸̯̯̬͚̅͊̿̃͠j̸̣͍̩̜̱͉̙̘͔͕̞̥͚̘̙͋̈́͛̊͋̇͋͊̌́̓͘͘͝f̷̒̈́̽̊̾̈́̍̊̈́̀ͅļ̵̨̟͚̳̤̲͓̥̼̼̝̠̪̖̑͒̒̍̈̄́̾͛͘͠k̴̰̺̦̗̹̰̤̻͐̾
̷̨̪̺́͐͛͌̅̋̉̆̕̚͘͝͠;̷̦̣̞͈̜̬̖͙̟͖͚̘̾̐́̿̇̑͒̕͝ä̸̖̟̞̮͖́̊̑͐͋̊̊̒̋͘̚͠͝s̷̩̉̓͑̀͊͊͛̓̈j̷̤̬͖͖̳̙̱̮̙̪̦̓̌͑͋͒̅̀̿͛̇̚̕͝ͅd̸̻̙̟̟̅̑̎̒̑͌͘f̴̧̛̺͙̼̦͉̳̫̙͗̓̉̎́͑̔̔̒̚̕͝a̴̛̘͗̈̒́́̈́̈́̃̿̾̓̓d̶̞͎͖͇͔̤̯̙͖̼͒̀̿̇͘͘͘f̸̣̹̌̃̕͝j̵̡̧̦̦̘̽͌͒̀ä̷̙̰̣̜͉̹̘́̂́̾̎͆͆̂̉̈̏̽͘͝͠š̷̡̱͍̜̖̖̬̲͍̱͒́͌̑̈̍͝ͅͅl̷̠̮̬̞̗̫͕͓̈́̓̒̄͂̿̈́̇͑̓̇͘͝
̶̩̩͕͎̼̜͈͎̠̈́̓̃͐̚͝ạ̵̢̢̨̡̼̫͚̦̱̯͉͚͇̻́̄̄̒̽͆̏̈́̒̇̉͠d̷͔͍͕̩̱̟̤̜͓̤̬̊̈̓̍̆̽́́͘͜͝h̴̙̼̞͚̱̞̬̝̥̯̫̀͊̂̄͛́ͅf̵̢͎̳̪̞̻͖̤̙̼͋͋̀̏̈́͆̈́͠͝j̵̡̧̙͈͎̱̪͕̏͂̃͋̔̃̒͜͝a̴͕̰̭̖̯̰̝͉̻̺͖͑̒̏̄̂̾͊́͘͘͜h̸͇̹̥̏̊̌͐̓̑͘͝s̸̡̥̅̅̀̍̍̓̔̓͆͌̚͝͠ḻ̷̛͎͇͍̬̣̟̫̈̿d̵̡̝̳̓̈̅́̿͐̏͠k̴̡̲̟̞̜̘̞͎̑͗ͅͅ
̸̨̧̢̡̺̱̦̜̱̻̤̼̇̌̌̀̊͋̓̆̐̔̿͆̅s̴̡̢̗̯̦̬̭͙̖͗̅͐͆̾̄̔̈͑͊͜͠͠d̶̬̣̙̦͈̲̘̦̱̤͔͔̖̞͛͆̃͋̀́͝͝f̴̛̼̣͖̣͌̾̐͌̊͛ä̶̢̫̖̝̻̹̩̪̯̟̳̣̖́̒̐̑́͗͜s̶̢̡̡̳̟̹̰̬͕̰͎̣̱̃̈́͒̂̆͒͒̈́͛̉̕͝͠ͅf̷̡̟̘̥̰̪̟̬͇̲̼͖̎̈̍̄̉͌̎͛s̸̛̝̫̺̝̪̦͓̫͖̟̘̥͖̅̌̊̏̐̈̿̀̿̕ͅ
̵̜̺̪̠̥̤̯̙̋͌̓̽̾̅̏͐̋̔̕͘ś̷̢̨͙͇̗͎̖͕̉͛̏̅̀̊́͐̓͜͠a̴̡̢̧̛̘̱͔͕̖̩͚̠̯̲̍̈̀̈́̎̾͐͗̂̓̚͜d̵͕͇͍̜̹͉̻̜͔̳͖͐͠f̶̢̧̼̟̘̮̗́͂̔̎͆͂͌̑̋ͅă̶̼͕͖̜͚̻̈́̂̋͜s̴̨̛̳̲͍̱̲̘̘̟̊̇͐͆̂̇̋̽̄̊̕̕͜͝ḑ̶̢͙̹̜̹͚̣̬͕̎̀́́͒̑͊̐̉̾̈́̕̕f̷͙̰͓̖̀͊͆̾̓̓̓̿̑͋̚̚a̵̧̧̧͚̘̜̭̗̼͙̗̹̠̭͛̓̅́́̊̈́̂̀͗̎̊͒̔̐͜
̵̨̛̝̟͖̞̰̺̣̯͓̲͕͋͒͠d̴̡̛̖̲̩͈̠͓̙͔͍̐̉͑̽̏̉̏̒̾̎͛̚͝s̸̤͕̘̮̖̻͐͑͌f̶̳́̃ả̷̜̟̺̦̫͊ş̵̹̩̱̆́ḏ̶̇̎̅̽͂͑̒͆̎̆̀̽̕͜f̷̛̬̗̟̼̜̖̗̈̾͑̉͌̓͝͝͝ą̵͕̯̗̹̳̼̓s̴̢̽̍̓̌̍̉̂̋̏̕͝
̴̢̨̨̱̥͔̬͉̇͒̉̽͋̉̈́̾̽̿͗͘ͅď̵͍̺̠͙̖̥̌͛̔̓͗̔̔̄̐͘͘͝ā̸̺͔̟̲̈́̓̈́͂̒̎̿̍̒̚s̸̝̣̅͊̒̈́̕̚͝f̴̢̛͍̬̱̣̦̝͙̠͍̰̗̼̿͌̃̈́̏̓̀̕͘;̶̨̟̯̩̞̬̺̗͍̩̖̰̒͛̎̇̈́̽̍͜ḑ̴͔̗̤͈͖̹̖̼̇̀̍̃́̾̒̂́͘͝ͅf̴̡̛̖̫̹̑̄̓͆͌̐̇̈́͛̈́͌́͘͜͠l̴̛̯̣̪̟̭̠̜̹͈̤̀̋̈́̓͐̓́͛̐͐̚͝ͅš̴͖͐̈̉̅̅̃̈́̒͑̀ͅa̷͓̰̺͚̜̣̮̹̥̖̬̮̞̤̓͑j̵̪̯̿̈́͐̋̈͌͊́͆͂͗̽͂̒͘f̷̙̯̦̗̹̯̗̆̀̎̅̀̕

the 1000 signs you're not a very good chess player: it just screams random signs from that thread while the game is on.

a pawn that moves forward like a regular pawn but the diagonal capturing is backwards

The Thgink, it moves like a knight, and gets to move an extra move if it captures a piece which is attacking it.

It cannot be captured diagonally or orthogonally.

The get off my property (this is the name of the piece).

It is completely immobile due to its immense weight (it takes up 4 squares). If attacked by another piece, it can shoot the piece in self defense regardless of where the attacking piece is, obliterating the piece in a hail of gunfire without itself moving.

It's such a reasonable sounding piece yet so utterly useless lol

The tile.

Tiles may move diagonally one square like a Ferz.

They are blocked from moving into other tiles. But they are not blocked by the edge of the board.

The black player controls the dark tiles. The white player controls the light tiles.

The board is composed of 64 tiles.

Tiles cannot check or capture.

Instead of capturing a tile, pieces can move into them.

Every move you may move BOTH one tile and one piece. Not being able to move a piece is stalemate, however, if possible, you must move the tile to allow the piece to move. You may pass your right to move a tile. You may move either the tile or the piece first.

Moving a tile moves any pieces in that tile with it.

Pawns may promote if they get to the 8th row.

the confused pawn: this pawn was drunk when he attended chess school. It moves diagonally forward one square and cannot capture. 

I feel like that's not a terrible piece actually if it can promote.

Certainly less useful than a pawn and a strict subset of the capability of a Berolina pawn, but not THAT much worse than a Berolina since the forward capturing move is really not that useful in creating structures or static defense. Berolinas pretty much need to attack to do anything useful and are much easier to hang than a normal pawn.

Given that there seems to be legitimate debate as to the value of a Berolina pawn, with the most common valuations being essentially the same as a pawn despite its reduced tactical power (forced to choose between attacking the same two squares an advancing pawn attacks both of) and defensive weakness,  This heavily implies that its superior board reach and the implied improvement in promotability are making up for the difference. (much like why a Ferz is stronger than a Wazir in most starting positions).

The eater: moves like a king. It captures any piece except the king that lies in its moving range, even your own.

the F: when it’s captured, it screams the F-word at the piece that took it.

Idiot: moves like a king can't capture can be captured. If all 8 idiots get captured the king explodes checkmat!!

The heavy man. Once he moves to a square (except for the square he stands on during the start of the game), he "falls through the square", creating a large hole in the square, and the square can no longer be accessed for the rest of the game.