GM Panko Smoobachuk Files $18.6 Million Lawsuit against GMs Jobava, Williams, Others

In an unprecedented move, Panko Smoobachuk has filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against fellow players GMs Baadur Jobava, Simon Williams, Andre Philidor and Paul Morphy. The suit alleges that the named parties knowingly promoted a defective opening system that has resulted in many losses for Smoobachuk, plus the loss of income associated with those defeats. When it was pointed out that Philidor and Morphy have been dead for many years, Smoobachuk says "I don't care! This is America! I can sue anybody!"

Panko Smoobachuk has always been a controversial character in the chess world. Never a serious contender in any competition, he is often referred to as the worst player of all time, or simply the WOAT. His bizarre antics at tournaments have resulted in his being forcibly removed from the playing hall numerous times. At the ongoing World Cup in Baku, he was caught stealing Nakamura's pineapple shirts. His grandmaster title has also been disputed. FIDE officials say they've never even heard of the guy and have no record of a title for him. Smoobachuk maintains the title is real and that he bought it online through Amazon. "I paid good money for that thing! Eighty bucks!" says Smoobachuk. When asked to show documentation, Panko said "Document this!"

For their part, the named defendants say this is just a frivolous lawsuit, with 'zero merit'. GM Simon Williams commented "The guy's just trying to get attention. This is typical of a Wally like Smoobachuk." GM Baadur Jobava said "Don't look at me. I didn't name it the 'Jobava London'!" And even though dead, Andre Philidor made an appearance, just to state for the record "Panko Smoobachuk is a piece of merde!"

Panko Smoobachuk explained his strategy for the upcoming courtroom proceedings. As evidence to make his case, he plans to show one of his own miserable losses wherein he assays the Jobava London system. "Ya' know, guys like this GingerGM character like to say this opening is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I say 'Phooey!' It stanks! Take a look at this mess!"

Notes by Panko Smoobachuk.

I agree.

absolute yap

Wow! Somebody actually read this thing! Thanks!

Smoobachuk's exploits are so legendary I cannot help but share them, we want more of your reporting!

Thanks so much for the compliment!

I'm working on a collection of Smoobachuk's best games...... if I can ever find any! So far, they all stink!