ILLYRIA

Now let us profess our beliefs: The papaya is rarely snuck into movie theaters. And with good reason, for it is truly the fruit of the damned. Armchairs fit through doorways and out into the street, signifying a greater divine plan. The souls of Michael Jackson and Ted Kennedy had always been joined, explaining why the one could not survive without the other; when they finally collide with the fiery souls of Dale Earnhart and Elvis and Mother Theresa and Madonna, the greatest collector's plate in all of history will be made available. Behold, my knuckles are shaved, as is required both by common decency and Leviticus. Let he who brought the PeptoBismol throw the first urinal cake. The real agenda of the airlines is not profit, or else they'd be offering in-flight laser tag, lapdances, a game of Twister, and celebrity guest pilots. No, the true purpose of the airlines is to fill us full of beverages then hold us in the air until they've harvested everyone's urine. (Which is timely since we just misplaced $700 billion and we'll consequently be shifting soon to a urine-based economy--our new 'gold standard.') Now let us proclaim our sins: Tim, I'm sorry for secretly removing the headrest from your passenger seat while we were carpooling and carrying it home for the weekend in my backpack without a word of explanation. Also, the adultery. I regret my baboon style tantrums. But most of all I'm sorry for the baldness. Cheesemaster, I feel a nibbling on my soul. Can you tell me where my wylde has gone? What of the '90s?--where are they now? A pity those sleepwalking through life have no nightmares to wake them from their daymare. In related news, have you heard of that judge who was using a pump on himself while court was in session? I think that sums up the state of the nation quite nicely. We currently have many problems and the gov is monkeying around like that judge. Our ancestors brought order and stability to the world by constantly wearing pants that concealed their genitals. We must learn to do more than this. Together let us pray that this world can be healed by online chess. Because high-stakes chess might be the Dalai Llama's best shot at regaining his homeland.